A Tindspector Calls

“I think you’re very attractive but your features are quite masculine,” the Tinder message flashes up. It’s from one of the Bright Young Things, one I haven’t chatted to yet. “Thank you?” I reply. “Obviously, I’m a girl.” “Can you send more photos?” The chap replies. “OK,” I say, “what’s app?” “Sure,” he says. Scrolling […]

Ladies Who Lunch

“What do you want to eat?” Hannah says. We’re having a rare treat: lunch in in a restaurant on a Thursday. The scene: the conservatory at the front of that restaurant under the railway bridge where I brought that Australian at the start of June or so. Wow, that feels a lifetime ago now. “Melanzane […]

Don’t Look Now

“Don’t look now, but it’s him,” I say to Katerina, my trainer. Although I’m trying to whisper, I’m also trying to do lunges carrying a Bulgarian Bag – a ghastly baguette-shaped cushion filled with something very heavy. “Who?” She says. “Try and get a bit closer to the floor, that’s better.” “GymnastTwat,” I say. “He […]

Another Country

Another evening, another chap. Same venue – my pub. With all the new blocks of flats going up in the area, we really need more than one pub. The one in my road closed about a year after I moved in and now is about to be turned into flats, like everything else. Anyway – […]

Ice Age

“You seem very bubbly and excited,” CatBoy says. He has two cats (good), is 31 (respectable) and is tanned, blond (nice) and 6 ft 7 (brilliant). “I’m excited to meet you,” I say, smiling at him. “You’re so lovely and tall. I’m a bit of a gigantophile – like Lord Rothschild – I like very […]

Fat Bottomed Girls

Well – one of the girls is me and the other one is Dad, who isn’t a girl. Obviously. And my bottom itself isn’t fat, but am wearing the new internally-padded cycling shorts. It’s our first cycling ride for, oh, ages. Weeks. Since before the infection anyway, which spread to my right arm, making it […]

Death In The Clouds

“So, it’s great to meet you – finally,” I say. I’ve been chatting to this chap for months and yet this is the first time we’ve managed to meet. We’re sitting outside my pub. “I’ve been away a lot,” he says. “Greece, Florida, Prague: I love to travel. Don’t you?” “Um, I can’t really,” I […]