Pistols At Dawn

“How much sleep are you getting?” My psychiatrist says, his fountain pen an angry hornet hovering above the paper about to strike. “Loads,” I say, as I realise where he’s going with this. “About six hours at night,” adding a couple of hours on to the four I’m managing ATM, “a couple of hours in […]

Suddenly This Summer

Bad dream last night about my best friend from school. Discovered yesterday that she’s deleted me from Facebook. In the dream she told me I was boring, stupid, and, worst of all accused me of not understanding the Elizabeth Taylor/ Richard Burton relationship. She maintained that Burton never had a drink problem and that Taylor […]

Fluffy toys, tiger cubs and radio fame

“You sound and look exotic from what I can see of you?” a Tinder message flashes up. It’s a Bright Young Thing, Howie, aged 28. His eyes-wide-mouth-open profile photo showcases white, even teeth and a great tan. He’s from New Zealand. “If that one just wants casual sexuals you’ve only got yourself to blame, Tanya,” […]

Missing the Marx

“If I said you had a beautiful body would you have sex with me” a #tinder message flashes up. Opening it, I see it’s from one of the bright young things: this one’s 26 and is swigging champagne out of a bottle in his profile photo, with his arm round a springer spaniel. “No,” I […]

Messages and Misunderstandings

“Hey you. Sorry about my absence. Work is quite crazy, how are you? All good? Hear from you tonight.” This Tango message from the Iceman flashes across my screen at 5.13pm as I’m cutting up vegetables for the Mexican feast I’m making for Lily and her husband. The Iceman has been out of contact since […]

Gin and Grammar

The #tinder profile photo shows a Delft tea set on a table. Seated at the table is a young man and at the front of the table is a book entitled “Tea With the Bennetts: Recipes From Pride & Prejudice”. Ah wow, I think. A straight chap who likes Jane Austen. Must not mention that […]

Chianti, Criticism and Clean Sheets

Fired up by a recent Tindering lull, and a consequent dearth – both of dates and, to be brutally honest, of anything to write about – I settle down with my omelette, and a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, and open my Tinder. Whichever one of the chaps said that this stuff is better than Plymouth […]

Tinder Eggs

Storm in the night and the rain drumming on the roof wakes me up about 5.30am. After attempting to get back to sleep, I give up and drag myself through to the lounge to watch TV. “Edward & George: Two Brothers, One Throne” is showing on Yesterday. Now here’s a cautionary tale about love. Maybe […]

I Want To Ride My Bicycle

Flopped in a chair outside the new Costa in the village, struggling with the blended coffee – they don’t seem to have got the hang of it – the ice is too thick – I prepare for my doctor’s appointment. Dad is collapsed in the chair next to me after our mammoth exertion. We’ve just […]

The Iceman Never Rings Twice

It is the deepest silence in the world: the deafening silence of the telephone that doesn’t ring. And now in this social-media-stuffed world there are so many ways for him not to contact you. The text message that doesn’t ping, the tinder message that doesn’t glow red, the Facebook message that doesn’t bulge in your […]