Vanishing Point

Never heard from Billy the Priest about our date which was meant to occur this Wednesday. Towards the end of our first date, he said “when can I see you next week?” “How about Wednesday?” I said, smiling. “Excellent, what?” He said. “I will find something really exciting for us to do on Wednesday.” When […]

A Morbid Taste For Bone Scans

The Tinder message sweeps, orange, across my screen. It’s Lemur Boy! Lemur Boy: I would love to meet your lemurs, how about one evening next week. Me: How about Wednesday? LB: Wednesday it is. Perfect. Despite the pain that I’m in – why? I’ve been taking the antibiotics for very nearly 48 hours now – […]

The Masque of The Red Death

“Hi, Tanya,” the plastic surgery nurse Emma says, and I burst into tears because of the pain and the worry that something else terrible is wrong. “What’s the matter,” Emma says, putting her arms round me, guiding me into the consulting room. Mum follows. “I’ve had a temperature for a few days and pains in […]

Beasts In My Bed

The kitten jumps on my bed, reeking of barbecue and covered in mud, moss and twigs. There’s even a smudge of green on his nose. There’s a common perception that cats are clean, but this one isn’t. His long coat is always full of grass, leaves and burrs, and he usually smells of something nasty […]

See How They Run

At the pub, again, where they must think I’m an escort or, if they’re being charitable, a spy. That’s it: I’m waiting here for my contact, X. When he arrives I’ll ask him the code word and then hand him the folder. A chap arrives wearing red trousers. That must be him. I wave. He […]

Appointment With Death?

For some reason there is a television showing Doctors in the waiting room at the hospital breast care clinic. It’s a bit better than last time – when there was a ghastly programme where RSPCA inspectors turned up at houses to investigate animal abuse – but not much. It’s a shame that one can’t be […]

Crazy?

“Are you a little crazy by chance?” the What’s App message scrolls across my screen. It’s from a 31 year old Tinder chap who I’ve been chatting to. He works in TV, seems quite nice. “No, I’m completely mentally normal. Why?” I write back. “Just asking a question. You sure?” “Am lovely. Don’t be so […]

Dogs, Deer and Drinks

“What’s that round your ankle? Is it an electronic tag? Are you on day release from prison for murdering your last boyfriend?” Phil says. “Ah, that,” I say, detaching the mosquito band from my ankle. “It’s a mosquito-repelling device. Sorry – forgot I was wearing it and…” “How does it work? Does it emit an […]

Foreign Bodies

“Do you always swipe right for younger guys?” the Czech 28 year old messages me. Let’s call him Vaclav. “Mainly,” I reply. “Do you prefer older ladies?” He’s not even That Much younger than me, this one. 28 is practically a grown-up. “I tend to find older women less boring, they are able to teach […]