Becoming Tinderella

“This could be a laugh and interesting if I do it properly,” a chap’s Tinder profile says. Never mind the ghastly sentence construction – can’t stand when people write “a laugh” when they mean “fun”. Although I guess we can’t say “fun” in the context of actual fun anymore, now that it means casual sexuals. […]

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It’s Raining Men!

Still no word from the Iceman which must mean: a) He has been kidnapped by aliens, taken back to their planet in the Horsehead Nebula where there is no wifi or phone signal and is being forced to do Rude Things with them b) He has dropped his phone down a drain where it has […]

Strangers On A Train

I’m on the overground train from West Hampstead to Richmond. The young man next to me is reading Geoff in Venice/ Death in Varanesi the Geoff Dyer book, which I remember borrowing from the British Institute Library in Florence. Not one of his best works. “Hello,” I say, fixing him with a mad sultry gaze. […]

Pistols At Dawn

“How much sleep are you getting?” My psychiatrist says, his fountain pen an angry hornet hovering above the paper about to strike. “Loads,” I say, as I realise where he’s going with this. “About six hours at night,” adding a couple of hours on to the four I’m managing ATM, “a couple of hours in […]

Suddenly This Summer

Bad dream last night about my best friend from school. Discovered yesterday that she’s deleted me from Facebook. In the dream she told me I was boring, stupid, and, worst of all accused me of not understanding the Elizabeth Taylor/ Richard Burton relationship. She maintained that Burton never had a drink problem and that Taylor […]

Missing the Marx

“If I said you had a beautiful body would you have sex with me” a #tinder message flashes up. Opening it, I see it’s from one of the bright young things: this one’s 26 and is swigging champagne out of a bottle in his profile photo, with his arm round a springer spaniel. “No,” I […]

Messages and Misunderstandings

“Hey you. Sorry about my absence. Work is quite crazy, how are you? All good? Hear from you tonight.” This Tango message from the Iceman flashes across my screen at 5.13pm as I’m cutting up vegetables for the Mexican feast I’m making for Lily and her husband. The Iceman has been out of contact since […]