“This could be a laugh and interesting if I do it properly,” a chap’s Tinder profile says.
Never mind the ghastly sentence construction – can’t stand when people write “a laugh” when they mean “fun”. Although I guess we can’t say “fun” in the context of actual fun anymore, now that it means casual sexuals. And of course one ought to avoid the adjective “interesting” whenever and wherever possible – there’s always a better word out there – fascinating, exciting, engaging, enthralling etc.
Anyway, his actual sentiments strike me as something to think about. How to do #Tinder properly. Obviously haven’t been doing it properly up till now, or would have managed more than ONE second date after around thirty first dates.
So have made some resolutions:
1. Am not going to swipe right on anyone under 26. Not unless they look really amazing. Or have a particularly huge dog. Definitely not going to go for anyone under 21. Not even if they have a Leonberger and a castle and have mastered the apostrophe. Although there is a very cute 20 year old who is pursuing me and has already written a poem about me so am probably going to meet up with him to talk about poetry.
2. If a chap sends a willy photo on What’s App, am not going to send lots of photos of #mostbeautifulcatever or my various fluffy toys. Am just going to delete him. Suzie maintains that the very act of a chap sending a willy photo to a girl he’s never met means that he’s just up for “fun” and not that he’s in love with me or wants to impress me or anything like that.
3. And yet mustn’t assume that they all want “fun”.
A chap messages me yesterday – age 30; dog: Alaskan Malamute/ Alsatian cross; big tattoo on his back but let’s forgive him that one – presumably he was young and stupid at the time.
Him: So what are you looking for here?
Me: Cuddles with your canine chum. And I might even meet you if you play your cards right. No casual sexuals am afraid!
Him: I can’t have casual sex. Medical reasons. But I’d like a hug too.
Me: That sounds scary. Hope you are ok? Hepatitis from infected tattoo needles? Sorry – a lot of them start saying “do you like fun?” And then send willy photos. Is just not nice.
Him: No, no I have an allergies (sic) to certain things
Me: Allergy to female juices? Latex allergy?
Him: Allergy to spermicide
Me: Phew! Got all worried that you had incurable Hepatitis or something. Very glad that it is a mere allergy. Do you have other allergies?
Him: No, just that one which is a pain in the arse.
*Hope that it isn’t, or that carries its own health risks. Mustn’t say this though*
Me: So, um, what do you do?
Him: I’m an accountant in a school
Me: So who looks after your dog whilst you’re at work?
Him: My Dad does.
Me: Ah. I see. Do you live with your Dad?
Him: Yeah for the moment as I’m changing jobs and he’s not well, he can’t work
Me: Sounds like stuff isn’t great. Cuddle. Your dog must help?
Him: Yeah, Dad loves my dog, but then again most people do.
4. Do I change my ideas about not meeting any of them who mention their Children or not though? Some of my best people have succumbed to the disease of pregnancy/ childbirth/ fatherhood – delete as applicable. And I still like them. And possibly ones with children will be better able to deal with my problems and less appalled by them. And less selfish. But I don’t want to share a chap with an ex-wife or with his little princesses who are the centre of his world.
Maybe can start swiping right on some with teenage boys at least. Will be good at being hot-young-stepmother-that-the-sons-fancy: Chessie in Polo for example. Will be excellent at draping self on sun lounger around the swimming pool – will need to cover up irradiated skin – and gazing seductively at the gardener/ pool boy/ young polo players.
5. If a chap cancels dates or says he’s too busy working to meet up, move on. He possibly has a wife or girlfriend who he lives with but hasn’t mentioned or some other problem. Mustn’t keep chatting and wasting time on chaps who can’t make a plan to meet. Have about five who fall into this category. Have had enough of them.
Will let you know how I get on with implementing these new strategies – just after I’ve messaged this shirtless 6 ft 5 blond 23 year old cuddling a Samoyed on a yacht. Wish me luck?