Ah the joy of being back at my flat, I think, snuggled in my sofa bed nest in front of the show jumping. Zara Philipps goes clear. The huge horses glide silently over the sand, the only sound the click of hooves on poles and the thud as the poles come down. It’s sunny in […]

“So, how have you been, Tanya?” Dr Stein, my psychiatrist says as I settle down in the chair on the other side of the desk. Mum sits next to me. “Well I’ve been horribly ill all week,” I say. “An infection that spread around my right side, I’ve had an enormous temperature, 102 degrees…” “I’m […]

Never heard from Billy the Priest about our date which was meant to occur this Wednesday. Towards the end of our first date, he said “when can I see you next week?” “How about Wednesday?” I said, smiling. “Excellent, what?” He said. “I will find something really exciting for us to do on Wednesday.” When […]

The Tinder message sweeps, orange, across my screen. It’s Lemur Boy! Lemur Boy: I would love to meet your lemurs, how about one evening next week. Me: How about Wednesday? LB: Wednesday it is. Perfect. Despite the pain that I’m in – why? I’ve been taking the antibiotics for very nearly 48 hours now – […]

“Hi, Tanya,” the plastic surgery nurse Emma says, and I burst into tears because of the pain and the worry that something else terrible is wrong. “What’s the matter,” Emma says, putting her arms round me, guiding me into the consulting room. Mum follows. “I’ve had a temperature for a few days and pains in […]

The kitten jumps on my bed, reeking of barbecue and covered in mud, moss and twigs. There’s even a smudge of green on his nose. There’s a common perception that cats are clean, but this one isn’t. His long coat is always full of grass, leaves and burrs, and he usually smells of something nasty […]

At the pub, again, where they must think I’m an escort or, if they’re being charitable, a spy. That’s it: I’m waiting here for my contact, X. When he arrives I’ll ask him the code word and then hand him the folder. A chap arrives wearing red trousers. That must be him. I wave. He […]

For some reason there is a television showing Doctors in the waiting room at the hospital breast care clinic. It’s a bit better than last time – when there was a ghastly programme where RSPCA inspectors turned up at houses to investigate animal abuse – but not much. It’s a shame that one can’t be […]

“What’s that round your ankle? Is it an electronic tag? Are you on day release from prison for murdering your last boyfriend?” Phil says. “Ah, that,” I say, detaching the mosquito band from my ankle. “It’s a mosquito-repelling device. Sorry – forgot I was wearing it and…” “How does it work? Does it emit an […]