Autumn Almanac

“Is your surname Jacobs? Because you’re a real cracker!” the Tinder message flashes up. It’s from a new Bright Young Thing, aged 25.
“Thank you. That made me smile, you cutie,” I reply.
It does seem to have been busy overnight on my Tinder. There are many new messages this morning. Supposedly Sunday is Tinder Day and my phone was off a lot yesterday – due to various engagements.
“OK well you are just stunning,” another Bright Young Thing has written. He’s 25 too and describes himself as “Corporate lawyer and generous lover.”
There are a few more new matches and some “Hi how are you?” messages from recent matches and – result – not a single message saying “are you a man?” So that’s progress anyway.

Am exceptionally cheerful this morning. It’s a clear, bright, sunny day. The sky is blue and although it’s not that warm, have my new Minx toes out anyway. They are black with hologram silver stars. Am determined to keep my feet on show for as long as possible now that my toes are so light, bright and sparkling. Wearing my black swimsuit-material dress patterned with multicoloured rectangles – think strips of film where each window is filled with a different colour – I’m bright and summery.

On the not-plus side: haven’t heard from the chap am meant to be meeting this evening. Whilst we’re waiting, let’s do a List of Things about Autumn That Are Nice:

1. Conkers and their green prickly cases. Have already been collecting some from the park.
2. Downton Abbey has returned – yay. Sunday evenings are already feeling better.
3. Root vegetables – must try to make soup, casseroles, mash and indeed anything other than current two meals – the omelette and the Mexican feast.
4. MadFatRunner informs me that Autumn has a good line in mists. Must go somewhere where the mist will be more evocative than in the suburbs.
5. Snuggling up with my kitten – sorry, my adult cat – and watching television.
6. Autumnwatch is coming soon.
7. Halloween parties. Love to wear my bat tights, wave my spider wand and carry Boris the huge fluffy spider and a furry bat around. On Halloween is fine to look Not Mentally Normal. Note to self: must talk to Lily and Suzie about Halloween party options soon.
8. Bonfire Night, fireworks and so on. Not that will probably be bothered to stand around in the cold looking at fireworks, but sometimes can see them out of the window. My elderly cat used to be terrified of them but the fluffy monster probably won’t even bat an orange eyelid. He isn’t scared of loud noises.
9. Tights: black fishnets, purple fishnets, bondage ones, spider’s web ones, bat ones, glittery ones and so on. Maybe will wow the Bright Young Things with some of those crystal-encrusted ones…
10. Boots: knee-high, over-the-knee, ankle. And possibly New Ones.
11. Rutting stags, seal pups…see Autumnwatch
12. Long-sleeved dresses, suede shoes: being a bit more covered-up.
13. Have at long last changed into my bronze Autumn handbag. “It’s no wonder you don’t get any second dates, carrying that filthy green fabric piece of rubbish around,” Mum said yesterday. The chaps will be bowled over by this smart handbag that am now sporting. If not, am blaming Mum.
14. Mulled wine
15. Mulled cider
16. Roast chestnuts and other roast foods such as nut roasts
17. Fires in pubs: as in inside-the-fireplace, not burning the building down, obviously.
18. Crunching through fallen leaves.
19. The many colours that leaves turn before they drop, including own signature colour – orange.
20. Being able to spend more time watching my television without thinking “it’s nice weather – ought to be outside enjoying it”.
21. Not being too hot at the gym/ everywhere.
22. Maybe the chaps will be feeling more like meeting someone to snuggle up with during the colder months. Let’s see…

Look forward to reading your Autumn Joys if you have any more of them…

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