The Adventure Of The Blue Carbuncle

It’s exhausting – this dating lark. And, of course, until one suddenly lands a boyfriend and can retire for a bit, it’s rejection, rejection, rejection all the way. Whilst I’m having a bit of a rest – can’t call it a breather as can’t really breathe due to the Cold-Of-Doom – will make a list of why I want a boyfriend to keep up my flagging motivation.

1. To have someone who wants to talk to me every day who isn’t MadfatRunner or Mum. Or at least he’ll want to talk to me every day until he gets bored of my chat.
2. To have a person to take with me to things. As long as he is presentable. And not a fire hazard. Might be scared to take Jarvis to things in case he sets himself on fire like his grandfather. One of those 6 ft 8 ones could also be a problem – if the place we are going to has a low ceiling, or not much leg room. Wonder what CatBoy and GiraffeBoy do on planes.
3. This one’s more society-based – to be in a couple so we can pool our friends, make friends as a couple and so on – as in Abigail’s Party and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and anything by Fay Weldon. But without all the death and adultery and so on.
4. Would feel more up for going out anywhere if had boyfriend to take me there, sit next to me, fetch me drinks and drive me home.
5. He can help me around the home a bit. Is exhausting running a household. Would be an advantage if he is good in the kitchen – not necessarily gifted in the art of cooking in manner of my brother, but adequate will do. Actually, maybe will look for one who has culinary gifts. Otherwise we will be eating the omelette and the Mexican Feast everyday for the rest of our relationship.
6. Later, after he’s been on the scene for a while, he will be able to share the hospital trips with my parentals. Eventually he can do most of these – or at least the ones where specialised knowledge of my illnesses isn’t required.
7. We can go on Holiday together. Ah the joy of being on holiday with me as I go mental due to the disruption in my routine. Actually, best not to expose him to this until after we are married. Wonder if will ever be well enough to go to Venice or the Maldives or other romantic destinations. Must remember not to take him to the places where I fancy all the chaps though.
8. He can drive me to the supermarket.
9. He can buy me jewellery. Preferably large diamonds in a variety of colours with a bit of history attached to them: the Countess of Morcar’s blue carbuncle would be a good place to start. And Catherine the Great’s necklace with the diamonds and emeralds.
10. Eventually will be able to get a House and a Giant Dog. And maybe some alpacas.
11. We can play Bridge together. Luckily am going to be excellent at Bridge – my Grandpa was a very successful player and Mum is causing quite a stir in the Village Ladies’ League.
12. When people stay “why are you still single”, rather than replying “why are you still fat?” will be able to say “actually have a lovely new boyfriend – he’s just over there putting my coat away and getting the drinks”.
13. Will be able to make an Entrance to events in his classic car. Must make sure it isn’t one of the ones that break down all the time.
14. If he has a job where he is sometimes at home, and we have a house with an appropriate garden in a quiet area, Mum will let my kitten come to live with us. Let’s pretend that this is a possibility anyway.

On reading the list through it seems that am not really looking for a boyfriend but a cross between a lady’s maid and a chauffeur. None of the duties are particularly onerous though. Ought to get a few applicants for the position…


One thought on “The Adventure Of The Blue Carbuncle

  1. I love this. My best bits are 3, 4, 7, 12 and summary. Ladies maid and chauffeur will be OK. You can make up some special games 😀


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