Hallowe’en Party

“I know what you should be for Hallowe’en,” the Tinder message flashes across my screen. It’s from a 35 year old “half-French sports enthusiast. Lover of fun things. Also, I’m taller than you, even if you’re a Tinderella size queen.” He looks pleasant enough: green eyes, light brown hair, very white teeth. “Go on…” I […]

The Chase

“Fluffy monster, where are you?” I call, tramping up and down the road for the tenth time. It’s 5.15pm – nearly dark. Been trying to get him in for nearly two hours now. Both the parentals are out. Mum will be so cross if he’s not in when she gets home. A flash of orange: […]

The Case Of The Discontented Soldier

“I can pick you up, if you give me your address,” a new Bright Young Thing texts. Not Bright Young Naked Thing from yesterday – this one is 29, has dirty blond hair and green eyes and has moved from the South of France to a village near my parental home. His profile states “can […]

The Magic Mountain

“Am recuperating at parentals after an operation. You can take me out for lunch/ drinks/ dinner,” I message a chap on Tinder who lives near here. “Shouldn’t you rest?” He says. “Am doing plenty of resting. It would be nice to go out,” I tell him. “What is your PhD in?” “Fluid dynamics. Essentially I […]

Sad Cypress

“Let’s have a look then,” Ellen the plastic surgery nurse says. I’m sitting on the bed in her office. Peeling off my top, vest top and sports bra, handing my softie to Mum, I turn towards her. “That looks fine,” Ellen says. “Let’s get these dressings off.” She starts to peel the plastic edge of […]

Deadly Slumber

Still nothing from the Captain. It’s possible that he’s trapped, phone-less, in an Ebola-stricken region, and that’s why he hasn’t been in touch. His job does send him to those places after all. Don’t understand why he was so keen and now has vanished. Must not waste valuable mental energy on him though when am […]

Separate Tables

No word from the Captain. Spent a bit of time on Tinder making some new matches and nothing from any of them either. It’s not all doom and gloom though: the Central Willy Database is recovered! Found the bit of Facebook called Synced Photos and there are all my willies! Also, there are all my […]

Dial M For Murder

I’m writing this on my New Phone. It is gold. Sadly it’s not gold all over, just on the back and around the edges and not a very bright gold anyway. Never mind: it’s here and I’m back on Tinder. Tragically I’ve lost all my Stuff: all my contacts, over 2000 baby photos of the […]


This morning, waking up in my own bed in the parental home, everything seems much better. There is an orange fluffy cheek rubbing against mine – my kitten has come to wake me up. “Good morning furry monster,” I say, stroking his soft head. “Meow,” he says, arching his back, his tail a question mark […]


Surfacing from the depths, I’m jolted into awareness.  There’s a mask on my face and I can’t breathe.  There are bright lights and voices and everything hurts.  Gasping and crying I thrash around. “Keep still,” a voice says.  “You’re in recovery.” Crying, I look down at my front, feel my chest and there’s a cavity […]