Silence Of The Heart

“It’s tragic, what happened to Gazza,” I say. “All that talent and he ends up like…” “Well, he made some bad choices,” HorseBoy says, spearing a green olive with a toothpick. We’re at the restaurant underneath the train tracks. He’s made it here – all the way from Japan and then Surrey. Wasn’t sure he’d […]

Exciting Statistics!

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. Here’s an excerpt: The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 37,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 14 sold-out performances for that many […]

The Adventure Of The Christmas Pudding

Waking up, I look at my watch. Six o’clock. Of course, now that’s it’s upon us, I really can’t be bothered to have a bath, get dressed and go to a party. It’s dark outside. The fluffy monster snoozes in his pink chair: apricot paws dangling over the edge. Lily is expecting me, I think. […]

A Party To Murder

“Are you going to that party tomorrow night?” I ask Lily. We’re huddled under a furry blanket on the parental sofa. “Yeah, maybe,” Lily says, stroking her tummy. “Thought I’d see how I feel tomorrow and…” “I reckon we should go,” I say. “It’s in a nice pub that we like and you never know: […]

Farewell, My Lovely

“Enjoy the festivities. Absolutely loads of work and then a stressful family Christmas.” The What’sApp message appears this morning when I switch my phone on. It’s from the Twitcher, who’s been out of touch for a week or so. “Have had enough and am going to take a few weeks out from life in general […]

Lovers And Players?

“Afternoon Tanya, how’s the festive season treating you?” The Tinder message flashes up. It’s from a Bright Young Thing – a blond twenty-six year old barrister. We were in touch over the summer: he last made contact in August then disappeared. Probably been dating a lithe young creature. “It’s a reverse-fat-camp round here. Being force-fed. […]

Crying At The Discotheque

“I just don’t understand why I’m still so fat,” I say to Katerina. We’re by the TRX machine: it has handles hanging on ropes from a horizontal bar. “You’re not,” she says. “You look great.” “I’ve put on a stone since starting the cancer treatment,” I say. “And I’ve been doing personal training twice a […]

The Night Of The Iguana

“I trust all is well on the other side of the North Sea,” Arjen messages. “It’s not too bad,” I reply. “Just recuperating from another operation. Feel sad about lack of invite to the Galapagos though.” “It was a family trip ten years in the making. Cost my brother and me an arm and a […]