“So, um, I just wanted to say,” I say, and then stop. How to put this and, really is it a good idea to…
“Go on,” Seb says.
“I just wanted to say that, um, well, since we sort of got back together…we are back together aren’t we?” I ask him.
“Yes,” he says, touching my arm, looking all adorable and serious. His hair is longer now – about the same length as my hair but much nicer.
“So I wanted to um, I don’t know, reassure you that I’m not doing any sexuals with any of the chaps. I sort of need to go on some dates, for the blog, but that’s all it is. I mean, I just don’t want to do anything with them. It’s not nice,” I say.
“Good. I agree. Well, as you know I’m not doing anything with anyone else,” he says. “I have been wondering a bit, not that it’s up to me of course because I don’t even know where I’ll be next year or…and…well the long term plan is to be celibate in a cave in Scotland and…”
“I wanted to ask you though, seriously – you’re not just…you know…” I look at my curtains. The swallows fly across the sky. “I don’t want you to feel that you have to do things with me or even see me or anything just because I’m so ill.”
He rubs my arm. “I don’t. I mean, obviously, I worry more about you now that you’re so ill, and of course I feel more…I don’t know…tenderness, concern…but I don’t feel trapped or anything. Why don’t we watch Goering’s Secret**?”
“Good idea,” I say, relieved to have cleared that one up.
What we watched yesterday:
1. Goering’s Secret
3. Hitler’s Bodyguard – two episodes: a) exciting episode about Stauffenberg. Contains wolves.
b) Hitler’s train journeys
Can’t recommend this series highly enough. Will be sad when it’s over.
4. Hilary and Jackie – wonderful but tragic film about Jacqueline Du Pre. Cried all the way through. Again.
* 1970 film in which the heroine dies of leukaemia. Apparently ‘one of the most romantic films of all time’ (Wikipedia). Have never seen it and am never going to watch it now I shouldn’t think. Sounds very gloomy.
** The secret is that he liked making home movies. Was hoping it might be something a bit more salacious or exciting but never mind.