Hitler’s Bodyguard*

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“I so wish,” I say to Suzie, “what I wish, what would help, is if they told my parentals the results of scans…and if the parentals told me what is helpful for me to know as in…”

    “But, I mean, I would want to know The Truth,” Suzie says, eating her avocado.

     “You don’t know what you would want,” I say.  “You’re not terminally ill and…”

    “Yeah but this…I mean… So you say you want to be more grown up, to have independence and…”

     “Yeah but…I mean, I’m susceptible and, you know that if…so, you know in Victorian  times and…”

     “Much later than that,” Suzie says.  

     Thinking of Ralph in Portrait Of A Lady, fading away on his sedan chair in the garden.

     “Anyway,” I say.  “It’s better for patients to believe they’ll get better isn’t it.”

    Thinking on this now.  

     “So, it’s spread to your lungs,” my oncologist says today.

    Why-tell-me, I think.  Tell the parentals if you want but, seriously, am feeling OK.  There is no value in you telling me that everything is, in fact, so much worse than it feels.

    “It included a place for Blondie, Hitler’s dog,” Hitler’s Bodyguard tells us.   We’re in 1945.  Very soon Blondie will be dead: killed because he couldn’t be allowed to live not in the Thousand-Year-Reich.  

Anyway.  The cancer is in my lungs.  Fingers crossed that something can be done about it…     

*2008.  13 episode mini-series.  Narrated by Robert Powell.  An absolute joy…

16 thoughts on “Hitler’s Bodyguard*”

  3. Oh b*gger! I’m so sorry to read this.
    Actually, I disagree with “Suzie”, at least in terms of the information you receive from your medical team.
    It’s perfectly reasonable to ask your doctors to apprise you only of information that is useful and helpful to you (i.e. best case). Just as they don’t have to use clinical language — and good doctors don’t — to describe your prognosis, they can also provide you with only the information that is appropriate to your immediate needs.
    You absolutely have the right to request this sort of vetted communication. As I recall, knowing only the short-term has been shown to be helpful, even beneficial for certain patients with serious conditions.
    Sending big hugs to you, and your parents and snuggles to the orange furry person xoxoxo

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  6. I also agree, sometimes the truth is really unhelpful!! Also thanks for the TV recommendation, I will have to find Hitler’s Bodyguard, my grandmother was in the resistance in Belgium and so I find the whole period fascinating. I hope you keep feeling positive! xx

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