Side Effects*

“So, um, what are you doing on that Monday after the weekend I’m coming to visit?” I ask Seb when he calls last night.

“Nothing,” he says.  “Well – it’s my half term so…”

“I was thinking, maybe if I take the Monday off work so I don’t have to rush back on the Sunday and…you know what trains are like on a Sunday,” I say.

“I’m a believer in drawing out a nice thing for as long as possible,” he says.  “Let’s do it.”

Let’s hope it will be a Nice Thing.   Don’t tend to enjoy staying in other people’s houses in case break something or it’s too hot or for all the other reasons why it’s nerve-wracking.  Must make a list of essentials to take with:

1.  Tabasco

2.  Marmite – he’s bound to have it but is better to make sure.

3.  Slimline tonic.

4.  Porridge.

5.  Fan

Maybe need to give him a list of my basic requirements, such as pop stars demand: bowls of M & Ms with all the red ones taken out and suchlike.  Seb brought his own pillow to stay with me, so he is just as bad in a way.  Argh may well need to take own bedding: am allergic to feathers so have to have special non-feather pillows and duvet or will spend the whole night sneezing.

Writing this from my Office.  The sky is such a pale grey that it’s almost white: a Desert Orchid sky.  The unicorn is now called Desert Orchid, for want of a better name.

So far today have achieved:

1.  Walk to gym.

2.  40 minutes on bike whilst reading a Women’s Magazine so can summarise it for your reading pleasure later.

3.  First bus from gym to my bus stop.

4.  My true bus, the bus-love-of-my-life.

5.  Office.

It is impossible to know whether current side effects are caused by starting Zolodex, starting the Aromatase inhibitor or going back on duloxetine.  Or, indeed, by not-being-depressed, or the-stress-of-secondary-cancer-diagnosis.  Or by not-getting-enough-sleep.  Also, acquiring not just any boyfriend but The One is an extra source of…if not anxiety then certainly a bit of instability due to the high percentage of my thoughts devoted to him: 95% or so.

So, current side effects:

1.  Waking up at 3am, sweating.

2.  Feeling that haven’t slept, even though achieved seven hours (11pm – 3am and then 3.30ish – 7am).

3.  Sensation of brain turning itself off and on again every few minutes or so.

4.  Nausea.

5.  Headache.

6.  Mood lability – feeling elated one minute and then tearful the next minute.

It all makes me wonder whether I have a personality at all, or simply the symptoms of a mood disorder.  After all: objectively, things are terrible – apart from Seb.  And yet am very happy at the moment most of the time.  A bit of this is due to certain pressures being lifted: the need to find-a-better-job or find-a-husband or even to start-a-new-novel.  The Real Reason am happy is that mood is up. Of course am over the moon about being back together with my love, that goes without saying, but if mood was low wouldn’t feel happy about it, if that makes sense.  It will be interesting to see how am feeling about the whole Seb situation once mood drops – probably mid-July.

Fingers crossed we’re still together by then, of course.

The photo is two of my animals in a compromising position – Figment the dragon and Laurie the slow loris.

Happy Tuesday everyone!



*2013 film.

4 thoughts on “Side Effects*

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