Murder On The Brighton Express*

So, you’re in a long distance relationship, and you’re excited to see your love.  Here’s how to utilise the day of the date:

1.  Have a lie-in, if possible.  Sleep helps effect that dewy, youthful complexion.

2.  Drink two pints of water to achieve a poo before breakfast.  This tip from the great Cameron Diaz, who knows a thing or two about being gorgeous.

2.  Munch way through some breakfast as soon as can drag self out of bathroom, post-poo.  Don’t want to end up over-eating later in the day.

3.  Pull on some gym clothes and haul self to gym.

4.  Write blog on exercise bike so it won’t be hanging over me later when I need to wash etc.

5.  Do as many weights as possible, focusing on the large muscle groups, eg chest, legs, abs and of course bum.

6.  Drag self home.

7.  Cook and eat The Omelette.

8.  Run bath.

9.  Wash self and shave any furry bits without cutting self.

10.  Alight from bath.

11.  Apply plasters to all the cuts.

12.  Wonder whether legs-that-are-a-bit-furry would have been better than legs-that-have-been-savaged-by-a-litter-of-wolf-cubs.

13.  Rub some Vanish into the blood all over carpet.

14.  Pull trousers over legs to hide the plasters.

15.  Vacillate between MBT shoes and fit flops.  Decide on a) fit flops as feet won’t get sweaty or b) MBTs as we all know someone who’s lost one fit flop down the gap between the train and the platform as in “mind the gap”.  Also the MBTs are too heavy to fit in bag.  And there may well be At-Least-Two-Types-of-Weather

16.  Take everything out of weekend bag packed the night before and end up putting it all back in, plus phone charger, toothbrush and other can-only-pack-in-the-morning things.  

17.  Bag doesn’t close.  But can’t leave The Tories By Alan Clark behind.  Am up to Neville Chamberlain now and Churchill is just about to make his move…

18.  Put the huge hardback book and the fit flops in gym bag.  So will have two bags.  Even though boyfriend said “remember: pack light.”

19.  Is Seb’s fault anyway.  His shirt and sweater that must return to him are taking up valuable space in the bag.  It is better not to pack light anyway.  People who pack light are always borrowing other people’s pants and socks and so on.

20.  Leave house with two huge bags, still having not achieved putting even a base coat on nails.

21.  Will paint nails whilst waiting at the station for an hour or however long it is.

22.  Always aim to arrive at the station an hour early so can relax before the train and buy presents for Seb, his mum, self etc.

23.  Start to look forward to the mini bottles of wine on the train.
Hope that helps.

Happy Friday everyone!
*2009.  By Edward Marston.  Book 5 in “the Railway Detective” series.  Set in 1854, it investigates a rail crash.

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