Lovers And Players?

“Afternoon Tanya, how’s the festive season treating you?” The Tinder message flashes up. It’s from a Bright Young Thing – a blond twenty-six year old barrister. We were in touch over the summer: he last made contact in August then disappeared. Probably been dating a lithe young creature. “It’s a reverse-fat-camp round here. Being force-fed. […]

The Night Of The Iguana

“I trust all is well on the other side of the North Sea,” Arjen messages. “It’s not too bad,” I reply. “Just recuperating from another operation. Feel sad about lack of invite to the Galapagos though.” “It was a family trip ten years in the making. Cost my brother and me an arm and a […]

Queen’s Gambit

“You like Magnus Carlsen, nice!” The Tinder message flashes across my screen. It’s from a new Bright Young Thing, age 31, so not even very young. He’s got brown hair and blue eyes. Good cheekbones. “I do,” I reply. “The red dress in your picture is very nice. Do you play chess?” He says. Ah. […]

The Omen

…We’re in Seb’s room, doing rude things. It seems to be going rather well – considering all his problems in that area (desire to be celibate etc). Suddenly he pulls away from me. “Sorry, Tanya, I need to meditate now,” he says. “You have to sleep in the room next door.” As he pushes his […]

Pond Life

I’m in a concert hall with a couple of my schoolfriends. There’s a huge pond in the middle of the auditorium chocked with pondweed and green with algae. There are huge koi and pike swimming in the murky depths of the pond. As I’m bending over to look at the fish, the softie falls out […]

The Chase

“Fluffy monster, where are you?” I call, tramping up and down the road for the tenth time. It’s 5.15pm – nearly dark. Been trying to get him in for nearly two hours now. Both the parentals are out. Mum will be so cross if he’s not in when she gets home. A flash of orange: […]

The Case Of The Discontented Soldier

“I can pick you up, if you give me your address,” a new Bright Young Thing texts. Not Bright Young Naked Thing from yesterday – this one is 29, has dirty blond hair and green eyes and has moved from the South of France to a village near my parental home. His profile states “can […]

The Magic Mountain

“Am recuperating at parentals after an operation. You can take me out for lunch/ drinks/ dinner,” I message a chap on Tinder who lives near here. “Shouldn’t you rest?” He says. “Am doing plenty of resting. It would be nice to go out,” I tell him. “What is your PhD in?” “Fluid dynamics. Essentially I […]

Regeneration

This morning, waking up in my own bed in the parental home, everything seems much better. There is an orange fluffy cheek rubbing against mine – my kitten has come to wake me up. “Good morning furry monster,” I say, stroking his soft head. “Meow,” he says, arching his back, his tail a question mark […]

Double Fault

If I don’t write this Right Now, I won’t manage a blog today, which would be terrible. Achieved Spin today for the first time in a while. It was good, but couldn’t push self very much as the-Cold-of-Doom is still very much in evidence. This impedes cycling fast, breathing, standing up in the saddle, pushing […]