The Cat Who Wasn’t There*

On bike at gym.  It’s 3.25pm and I’m gazing out of the window at the blue sky.  Am sweating and uncomfortably warm, from the Zolodex.  It causes hot flushes apparently.     “It’s the Nocebo Effect,” MadFatRunner says when I call her to grumble about being hot in the night.     “The what?” I […]

The Adventure Of The Christmas Pudding

Waking up, I look at my watch. Six o’clock. Of course, now that’s it’s upon us, I really can’t be bothered to have a bath, get dressed and go to a party. It’s dark outside. The fluffy monster snoozes in his pink chair: apricot paws dangling over the edge. Lily is expecting me, I think. […]

Runaway Drain

“Come on darling. You know you’re not allowed in there,” Mum says. The fluffy monster has climbed inside the freezer and is curled up on a shelf, gazing out at us. Mum takes some felafel out and waits for the cat to step out. He doesn’t. Eventually he puts one front paw down on the […]

Something In The Way

“That’s enough water,” Mum says, turning the bath taps off. I’m sitting in the bath and the drain bottle is on the floor. The water covers my thighs but the dressings are all down my right side and mustn’t get wet. Turning over, I lie on my left side and feel the warm water wash […]

The Tale Of Samuel Whiskers

“You’re so beautiful, my fluffy monster,” I tell him as he lies in my arms, purring. It’s an impressive purr: the rumble of a little steam engine. Stroking his head, I look down at him and notice something very strange and unsettling. “Mum,” I say. “Someone has cut off all his whiskers on one side.” […]

Hallowe’en Party

“I know what you should be for Hallowe’en,” the Tinder message flashes across my screen. It’s from a 35 year old “half-French sports enthusiast. Lover of fun things. Also, I’m taller than you, even if you’re a Tinderella size queen.” He looks pleasant enough: green eyes, light brown hair, very white teeth. “Go on…” I […]

The Chase

“Fluffy monster, where are you?” I call, tramping up and down the road for the tenth time. It’s 5.15pm – nearly dark. Been trying to get him in for nearly two hours now. Both the parentals are out. Mum will be so cross if he’s not in when she gets home. A flash of orange: […]

Deadly Slumber

Still nothing from the Captain. It’s possible that he’s trapped, phone-less, in an Ebola-stricken region, and that’s why he hasn’t been in touch. His job does send him to those places after all. Don’t understand why he was so keen and now has vanished. Must not waste valuable mental energy on him though when am […]

Separate Tables

No word from the Captain. Spent a bit of time on Tinder making some new matches and nothing from any of them either. It’s not all doom and gloom though: the Central Willy Database is recovered! Found the bit of Facebook called Synced Photos and there are all my willies! Also, there are all my […]